In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
