It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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