Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
