awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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