You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
