apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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