Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
