I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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