singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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