he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
