I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
