I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
