he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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