Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
