My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All the doctor said was why
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
