I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
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Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
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I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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