I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
