So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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