What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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