Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
