I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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