dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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