My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
