Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
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Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
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I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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