I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The power of my boobs compel you
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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