can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
