Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
