Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
how drunk are you?
Several
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
