i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
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How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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