Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
