I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
