What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
