I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
