I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
