Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
