I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
