Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
