I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
