i would punch a child for taco bell
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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