I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
