If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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