Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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