I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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