I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
