Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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