I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
