this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
