If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
