the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
