Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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