Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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