1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
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