smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
