it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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