Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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