they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
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the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
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On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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