So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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