I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
