I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Mom said you looked used
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
