I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
