It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
